Since Papa passed away in November, Mama, Rosa and I have been discussing what we should do with his cremated remains and by extension what will happen when Mama passes away. Mama said that Papa and she had already bought a space at a mausoleum in Beijing.
After so long discussions, Rosa was able to convince Mama to buy a spot here in Ottawa, so that it will be closer to us. Rosa argued that if the remains were in Beijing, there would be no one who would visit. By having the remains nearby, Mama could visit whenever she wants.
Last week I took mama to see the Hope Cemetery Ottawa-Carleton. It was specifically chosen as a Roman Catholic facility. Mama is very picky about that, especially as she was able to convince Papa to be baptized last summer. She liked the cemetery and agreed that we would intern Papa there.
Today, she, Rosa and I went back to move papa’s urn in to the space.
A spot was chosen that has enough room to include mama’s urn when she passes away. It was inside the mausoleum – there were also locations on the outside of the building and burial sites.
We left some photos and Mama left a small bottle of holy water.
As the cemetery is on the other side of the Rideau River, it takes about 35 minutes to drive there. Once the new Strandherd-Armstrong Bridge opens, the trip will take only half that.
Today, Rosa, Mama and I picked up my father-in-laws cremated remains. We had ordered a customized urn, and it took many weeks to get the urn back. The urn had a picture of Papa embossed on a raised circle on the top. When we finally saw the urn, we all agreed that it was very well made. I was surprised how well the embossing looked, considering that we only gave them a photograph.
The remains were transferred from the temporary storage box to the urn right in front of us. We are not squeamish, and Rosa and I were curious. Mama insisted on seeing the process too, as she was paranoid that somehow the remains would be mixed up.
The remains were in a small clear plastic bag, and were stored in a temporary black plastic box. The remains, which are basically pulverized bone fragments, were light grey colour.
Mama and Papa
The staff removed the bag from the temporary container and put the bag in the urn. Mama put two chains (one was the chain papa was wearing when he was in the hospital) in a small green velvet bag and placed the bag in the urn.
The urn was closed (it screws shut from the bottom) and given to us. Mama took it very hard and cried a lot. We drove home and Mama put the urn on the nightstand next to the bed.
This morning was Papa’s funeral. Everything has happened so fast – it’s been less than 72 hours since he passed away.
Friends and Family
We started the day by picking up a few people who wanted to attend. I was happy that more people were able to attend. There were our Chinese neighbours and a couple who worked with Mama and Papa back in China at the same Institute. One of his very kind caregivers came as well. Rosa and I picked them up and drove to the funeral home to have a few minutes viewing. It was Mama’s last opportunity to see her husband.
Pallbearers
At 10:20, the casket was closed. I had asked to be one of the pallbearers. The other four pallbearers were hired from the funeral home. Rosa and I followed the hearse to the Funeral Mass at Notre Dame de Lourdes de Cyrville. There were more people at the church, including Papa’s sponsor from his baptism, other members of the Chinese Catholic community and Rosa’s private ballet instructor and his wife.
The Father Bosco Wong gave the service; he had baptized Papa in June. We had asked if we could tape the mass to share with other family members, but the Father did not approve of filming in the church. The Mass was performed entirely in Mandarin (which was one of the allowances from Vatican 2).
Rosa and Mama
It was a hard time for Mama. Rosa and I and her friends supported her. At the end of the Mass, once we had placed the casket in the hearse, Rosa, Mama and I just held each other closely and wept.
The procession then moved to Beachwood Cemetery for the commitment prayers by Deacon Peter Feng at the Mausoleum. Finally, the casket was lowered through the floor of the Mausoleum, feeling very much like a traditional burial. From there, it will later be moved to the crematorium. This was the hardest time for Mama. Rosa, Mama and I held each other again just before the casket was lowered.
Once the ceremony was complete, we thanked everyone for coming, thanked the pallbearers for helping, and thanked Suzanne from Tubman Funeral Homes for arraigning the funeral details.
Mama signed the necessary cremation papers in both English and Mandarin. We left and drove everyone home. Rosa, Mama and I went for a small lunch with Papa’s caregiver – she had taken the day off work to attend which was very touching.
This evening, everyone is exhausted. Mama slept for hours. The home is now very quiet. The normal sounds of Papa (the cough, the TV) or the sounds of Mama caring for him (preparing food, bathing, cleaning) are all missing.
Today, we visited the funeral home to pay our respects to Papa. We did not visit yesterday because we had not brought in his suit and chosen a casket until then.
Many Many Pills
Before we went, life goes on, and we had to run the usual errands. We have to buy fewer groceries now. And I took in all the medication bottles to the pharmacy to be disposed. I don’t want all those strange chemicals in the water table.
We arrived at the funeral home around 1:30. It was just Rosa, Mama and myself. Papa had a nice grey suit. Because of the degeneration in his joints, his jaw had shifted in the past year, which is why his mouth was open all the time, such as when he was in the hospital. An effort had been made to close his mouth to be more dignified, but it also didn’t look like him. We were so used to seeing him one way. There was nothing that could be done though – it was the best everyone could do in the circumstances.
In Memoriam
It was hard, especially for Mama. Rosa and I held each other and tried to comfort Mama. Mama sprayed some holy water on him – I’m not sure were she got it from.
We stayed about an hour.
Once we arrived home, I chose to clean up the room where he spent much of his time. Because of his condition, I had been referring to it as the orthopedic room. It contained all of the devices that he had used – a walker from when he could walk, some pedals for his physiotherapy and his wheelchair. Carrying down his wheelchair to store in the garage, I burst into tears. I had carried the wheelchair around in my car so many times. Mama and I bought it together.
Now it is empty. There is a papa-sized hole in the home.
Mama had two main requirements: there would be a Mass, and that Papa would be cremated. Mama told us earlier in the week that she and Papa had already purchased memorial spots for their urns at a location in Beijing.
We consulted with the funeral director and Father Hung (Chinese Catholic) and agreed to have a small Mass at Notre Dame de Lourdes de Cyrville before the body is cremated. Father Hung had baptized Papa back in June. This will occur on Monday. We are expecting only a few others to attend. Some members of the Chinese Catholic community will be present to sing during the mass, taking time off from work to help out.
Papa's urn
Mama chose a very simple casket which can be used for the mass as well as the cremation. A more expensive alternative was to rent a casket for the mass and buy a simple, unfinished wooden “cremation container”. Mama chose an nice urn as well. The funeral home checked that the urn was ok for transportation to China where his remains will be interned.
The total cost will be around $7200, including HST.
Papa has been in the hospital since he was admitted a week ago. Through the week, the staff continued to work on this sodium levels. They were hovering around 119, and the normal range is 135-145.
This sodium deficiency has been confounding. Tests indicated that his kidneys were ok, and his thyroid levels were ok too. So no one was sure why the sodium was so low or why it was not increasing.
Throughout the week, we would visit before and after work, and Mama would stay all day. She helped feed him and clean him, as he lost the use of his hands more than a year ago (rheumatoid arthritis). Each day, we would check if there was an estimate when he could come home. Each day, we were told it would be many days minimum.
Today, his condition deteriorated rapidly. He was scheduled for an MRI around 10:45AM. His nurse called Rosa at 10:30AM and said his condition was serious and that she should come in. She called me and we agreed that she would go to see him and call me if I was needed. About 20 minutes later, she called me and told me to come in immediately.
Papa surrounded by family
When I arrived, Papa was partly on his side, propped into a comfortable position with extra pillows. This position helped his breathing – he had been having difficulties over the past week. He was on an oxygen tube. He had been given some pain medication and some medication to calm and relax him. It was clear that it was very serious.
We talked with the nurses and they gave us a booklet on preparing for a family loss. Rosa and I went through part of the booklet and made some agreements on our course of action. I called the Tubman funeral home next door to the Queensway Carleton Hospital and made an appointment for 3:00pm.
And we waited.
Rosa needed to go back to the office to gather a few things, so she left for a little while. The nurse came in around 1:45pm to bring a warmer blanket. When the sheets were pulled back, she said that it would not be much longer, based on the mottled colour of his skin. I immediately called Rosa and said she needed to hurry back.
His breathing was averaging once every 8 to 9 seconds. But with the medications and oxygen therapy, he was actually sleeping much better than he had in a long time. At some point in the afternoon, he closed his eyes, or perhaps Mama closed them for him. He looked more peaceful than he had been in a long time.
Nothing seemed to change for the next hour, so I went to my short appointment with the funeral home. I wrote some notes, and gave the background information to the consultant, but I was anxious being away from the hospital room for any length of time. I hurried back to the hospital after 20 minutes.
Papa’s condition did not change for the rest of the afternoon. Rosa and I discussed what to do. No one could guess how much longer it might be. It could be soon, or it could be the next day. Mama wanted to stay all night if she could.
As the sun set, Rosa and I prepared to leave for supper. She went to the washroom. Mama and I were sitting by the bedside.
Suddenly, Papa’s breathing changed. It increased to 25-30 seconds between breaths. When Rosa returned, I motioned for her to come immediately.
We didn’t know what do to. Every pause in his breathing was an eternity. Papa had a thin chain around his neck holding an icon of the Virgin Mary. His pulse would cause it to flicker in the light.
In about 3 minutes, with Mama, Rosa and I around him, Papa passed away. He took his final breath after 75 years; the chain around his neck stopped its flicker.
I leaned in and whispered to Rosa, “He just passed.”
And then we all started crying.
I went out of the room and told the nurse. She and another nurse each confirmed there was no heartbeat, which is the standard procedure. They comforted us and we comforted each other.
We were very sad, but there was also a sense of release, not for us, but for Papa. He has lived in such terrible pain for years and years. He was free from that now.
Jinduo Wu (Jul 14, 1935 - Nov 26, 2010)
Two acquaintances from the Institute where Papa and Mama worked in Lanzhou arrived, too late to see Papa before he passed away. They looked shocked and sad too. They talked with Mama for some time, and were near tears. I called the funeral home and let them know about the death.
We asked the nurse if there was anything else we needed to do. She said that the funeral home will contact the hospital and will take possession of the body overnight or in the morning. There was nothing else for us to do. We gathered all our belongings.
On Friday, Rosa called me around noon to tell me that there was a problem at home. Mama had called her and said that Papa was behaving strangely and was confused. He was not able to answer any questions. It had started on Tuesday, and even though Rosa asked Mama twice since then if everything was ok, Mama said yes it was ok until out-of-the-blue this morning it’s not ok. This is one of the fundamental challenges to sanity in the household – the continuously changing story about what’s going on.
I told Rosa I would leave work as soon as I could, which was later in the afternoon. If the problem started on Tuesday and has not changed since Tuesday, then it was not an emergency situation yet.
When I arrived, Papa seemed ok physically. Mama said he was sleeping more than usual (he already sleeps about 18 hours a day), but that’s not a cause for concern (yet). She said he gave strange answers to questions. My problem is that I do not speak Mandarin, and even if I did, I would not be able to interpret his mumblings. He mumbles because his jaw joint has changed due to the advanced rheumatoid arthritis.
I watched him through the evening, but I could not see any issues and I felt I could not make a good assessment on his mental cognition because communication was nearly impossible. I had to wait until Rosa returned home in order to make a better assessment.
When she arrived home, we spoke with Mama and Papa. It seemed that Papa was very confused. We debated if we should take him to the hospital. Rosa had the brilliant idea about calling TeleHealth Ontario and talk with a nurse. It was nearly midnight when we reached a nurse. After about 10 minutes of discussions, the nurse said that an ambulance would be called to bring him into the hospital.
We ran around to get a few things packed for what might be a long night. The ambulance arrived and they also assessed Papa. Asking, through Rosa and then Mama, if Papa knew where he was or where he was born. His answers kept changing and were confused. They bundled him up and took him downstairs to the ambulance.
Papa in the emergency room
We arrived at Queensway Carleton Hospital close to 1:00am. Rosa came in her car separately. We planned that she would help with the check-in and assessment, and then go home to get sleep and relieve me in the morning.
We waited a long time – there were other patients who needed more urgent attention, including a car accident victim and a girl who had had a severe food allergy. Around 2:00am, we decided that Rosa would leave as I was feeling better equipped to deal with Papa, now that I understood what questions needed to be asked to evaluate his cognition (where are you, where were you born, what is your wife’s name). I can do this with Mama’s help.
As shifts changed and specialists were called, we saw 3 doctors in total. We agreed that he had symptoms of a stroke, so he was X-Rayed and had a CT Scan. The results came a few hours later – nothing was visible. This means that it was not a stroke. The blood work indicated a severe sodium imbalance, which might also cause the results we were seeing. So he was hooked up to an IV drip – 2 litres in the first 2 hours, which is a lot considering he weighs less than 90 pounds. More IVs were given later, but at a much lower rate. His demeanour changed and he was able to understand much better. Everyone could see the difference in his face after even the first IV.
Papa in the CT scanner
However, it was decided to check him in to a hospital room for further observation. The doctors were concerned about his weight – he is literally (not figuratively) a bag of skin and bones. He also seemed to have a sleep problem like sleep apnea – he breathing would appear to stop. They wanted to take some CT Scans of his chest, as they were concerned about his persistent cough. The cough started in both Mama and Papa about 4 years ago after they returned from 3 months in China.
In the morning, Rosa and I decided that she would go to the Les Petits Ballets rehearsals – her performance is only 3 weeks away. She would come in the afternoon to relieve me at the hospital and help with any further paperwork for the check-in.
She arrived just after 1:00pm. We grabbed a quick lunch and went to see Papa. There was no room upstairs for him yet, so he was still in the emergency area. We checked with the nurses, and there was nothing we could do and there was nothing left to be done to check him in. I left the hospital to get some sleep and Rosa went back to rehearsals, leaving Mama to watch over Papa.
I got about 4 hours of sleep before they both arrived home in the evening. Rosa and I went to the NAC to see the Toronto Symphony Orchestra present an evening in celebration of Slavic composers (Dvořák, etc). I left my cell phone number with the nurses, should something come up.
Last night, I got over 10 hours of much needed sleep.
This morning, Rosa called the hospital and found that Papa would not be discharged today. I’ll go to the hospital in about 30 minutes to check in on him.
My mother-in-law, Lemin (I call her Mama), is a devout Chinese Roman Catholic. Christianity was brought to China starting as early as the Tang Dynasty in the Eight Century. Her family’s beliefs date back possibly as long as Yuan or Ming Dynasties. However, it has often faced persecution, particularly since the take over by the Chinese Communist Party in 1949. One of the reasons Lemin married my father-in-law Jinduo (I call him Papa) was to gain some protection from persecution; he is a typical non-religious Chinese.
Lemin prays multiple hours per day. She prays for Jinduo to get better, as he is very ill. He has rheumatoid arthritis and diabetes. Recent blood tests have shown that his liver and kidney functions are down 25%. Our doctor estimates that he has about 2-years left before his body completely fails.
Lemin is his full-time nurse, as he needs help to do everything – get up, use the washroom, brush his teeth, eat and move between the bed and his wheelchair. With this 24-hour supervision, she also the only person he talks with. No one visits him. It is very sad.
A few weeks ago, out of the blue, Rosa and I were told that Papa wanted to be baptized. Mama must have been talking to him about this for a very long time. Papa doesn’t really believe in God, as far as we can tell. He is certainly not indoctrinated into Christianity and I doubt he knows and understands the basic tenets of the religion.
It seems evident that he is scared of dying. He must understand that his time is growing short. He is weak and in great pain during the entire day. He is dependent on mama for everything. He can no longer walk or push himself up or move from the bed to his wheelchair without great help.
Three weeks ago, Peter, a deacon with the Ottawa Chinese Catholic Church, came to visit all of us to discuss the baptism and to see if his family (meaning Rosa and I) supports Papa’s decision. Rosa and I both agree that we support his decision and will do whatever we can to help out. We said that if he wishes to go to church, we would book ParaTranspo to take him to church and back. However, that doesn’t appear to be his desire – plus the church service is only in English, which he does not understand.
When I was in Los Angeles, Rosa let me know that the baptism would happen when I returned. I asked that it be held on the weekend so that we can prepare and so that we can invite others to come too.
Chuxiong Huang performs papa's baptism.
Today we had the baptism ceremony. Chuxiong Huang was the Chinese priest and he was assisted by Peter the deacon. Other attendees included the family of one of Papa’s health-care attendants, a family from the church and another woman from the church.
The ceremony took about 15 minutes. We all stood in the living room while the rites were performed. Even though it was performed in Chinese, Papa didn’t seem to understand very much, which is not unexpected for someone without any education and indoctrination in the Catholic Church. He was baptized and took his first communion.
Afterwards, everyone stayed for some snacks and to talk. When Papa grew tired, I carried him upstairs to sleep.
